A healthy obsession

The more that I am getting into health and fitness, I am coming across people that look at it negatively.  They are concerned that myself and others like me are becoming "obsessed".  Well, ya know what?  Maybe I am, but it's a healthy obsession. A healthy addiction. God gave me my body, my life and my family.  I want to be the best me.  For myself, for my family and for Him.  It has taken a while to accept it but we deserve to be happy and healthy.  I used to feel bad thinking of all the less fortunate people in the world, sick and hungry.  Along with my existing depression, I felt bad for taking a care of myself, almost as if I was being selfish.  I am realizing that in order to help others I have to help myself, I have to be obsessed with myself.  It can't be a sometimes thing, it has to be an every day, all the time thing. 
I am not talking about being obsessed with my outward appearance or reputation.  Being obsessed with myself or being healthy is a good thing.  It causes me to eat healthy and exercise everyday.  On the days that I take care of me, I stand up straighter, I smile, I am more productive, more organized, it spills over to others around me and I like that. How is that a bad thing?  The word obsessed, as defined by Google is to "preoccupy or fill the mind of (someone) continually, intrusively, and to a troubling extent."  It doesn't have to be a bad thing, that is why I call it my healthy obsession.  According to the Urban dictionary and the definition I prefer for obsessed " Is just a word the lazy use to describe the dedicated." In my opinion, we need to be obsessed, dedicated to ourselves.  We need to be the best we can be.

The missing peace

 The journey that I have created for myself has had it's ups and downs.  I have discovered that as much as I want to do things in order or follow a list of how to become the best me, it is not as easy as I had expected.  I though I could just follow the simple steps like a recipe and I would have a successful ending. After trying and trying and not really getting anywhere, I realized that Step #1 in my plan "Take care of yourself" was not exactly what I needed.  I was taking care of the outside, my hair, nails, teeth..ect.. when what I needed and am now doing, is taking care of the inside.  Mentally and physically. 
After Alyssa's birth I noticed almost immediately that I was struggling the postpartum depression.  I had it after Wilamina but was able to cope with the help of medication.  This time around due to changes beyond my control with insurance, medication is not an option.  I am having to take matters into my own hands. At first I was mad about it, thinking how am I going to do this without taking my medicine?  Just the anxiety of not being able to get it was making me more depressed.  Then, after being angry, I accepted it, and started looking into more natural ways of coping.
I joined a support group for depression and anxiety but they weren't much fun. Ha! My doctor has told me from the beginning that I need to exercise. When I came home from the hospital after delivering Alyssa I was 170lbs.  I dropped another 10-12lbs possibly from breast feeding but I stopped breast feeding after 6weeks and my weight has held steady at 158 lbs.  I am 5'4".   I was already taking a mutli-vitamin but decided to add a supplement of vitamin B.    It's hard to exercise when you don't even feel like getting out of bed.  My only motivation for getting out of bed, apart from the girls was needing to use the bathroom and food, ...and the fact that husband would be upset if he came home everyday and the house was a wreck.   So knowing that I had no other choice I began to workout.  I feel like this is my missing "peace".  The piece I need for the puzzle of putting myself together and the peace that I need to be ok with myself, forgive myself and be patient with myself.  I finally feel like things are starting to fall into place.