1978-2004

It has been over 4 years since I started blogging and working on becoming better then I was yesterday. I kept a diary when I was younger but it was about things that happened in the past and I have always tried self improvement but it was in the physical aspect like being skinnier, wearing the best clothes, etc and although I do strive to be healthy and look my best (some days), I am now working on being a better women of God, wife, mother, sister, daughter, niece, co-worker and friend.
Before I go any further, this blog is also to help anyone that comes across it, It may have errors and not be as fancy as others but it goes along with what I am aspiring for in my life now which is SIMPLICITY.
Just a little back story to get you up to speed. I was born and raised in Boone, N.C. I will be 40 this year in November! WHAT?! I was saved at Hickory Grove Baptist Church in Charlotte when I was 14 yrs old while visiting my older sister during the summer. Looking back over the last 20 years so much has happened and so many choices have been made that didn't always feel like choices. By that I mean I dealt with anxiety and depression and was living life very spontaneously. It was easier to go with the flow and take the easy way than to set goals and hold my self accountable for anything. I was a good child, student and even in high school I didn't party, smoke or drink. On my 18th birthday I met a boy who became my husband and I was married at 19. We didn't marry because of any other reason than we were in love, although everyone thought "she must be pregnant". But even marrying because we were in love we had so much to learn and things we didn't know. We eventually grew up a little more and although we still cared for and loved each other, we decided to separate at 24 years old. This is where I believe it all started...or ended depending on how you look at things.
After separating I did have regrets and tried to reconcile but he was set on going our own ways. I didn't notice at the time but this I believe is where my depression began. I was a customer service manager at the local grocery store and worked 40 or more hours a week and every second that I wasn't working I was out with my friends drinking with daily stops at the gym to work out. This was my life for approx 4 months. I was getting more and more away from God and more into the world, not making good choices and just living life how ever I wanted. Feeling like I needed to escape and start something new, I moved to Charlotte, N.C. just before my 25th birthday in November 2004.
More to come...

A healthy obsession

The more that I am getting into health and fitness, I am coming across people that look at it negatively.  They are concerned that myself and others like me are becoming "obsessed".  Well, ya know what?  Maybe I am, but it's a healthy obsession. A healthy addiction. God gave me my body, my life and my family.  I want to be the best me.  For myself, for my family and for Him.  It has taken a while to accept it but we deserve to be happy and healthy.  I used to feel bad thinking of all the less fortunate people in the world, sick and hungry.  Along with my existing depression, I felt bad for taking a care of myself, almost as if I was being selfish.  I am realizing that in order to help others I have to help myself, I have to be obsessed with myself.  It can't be a sometimes thing, it has to be an every day, all the time thing. 
I am not talking about being obsessed with my outward appearance or reputation.  Being obsessed with myself or being healthy is a good thing.  It causes me to eat healthy and exercise everyday.  On the days that I take care of me, I stand up straighter, I smile, I am more productive, more organized, it spills over to others around me and I like that. How is that a bad thing?  The word obsessed, as defined by Google is to "preoccupy or fill the mind of (someone) continually, intrusively, and to a troubling extent."  It doesn't have to be a bad thing, that is why I call it my healthy obsession.  According to the Urban dictionary and the definition I prefer for obsessed " Is just a word the lazy use to describe the dedicated." In my opinion, we need to be obsessed, dedicated to ourselves.  We need to be the best we can be.

The missing peace

 The journey that I have created for myself has had it's ups and downs.  I have discovered that as much as I want to do things in order or follow a list of how to become the best me, it is not as easy as I had expected.  I though I could just follow the simple steps like a recipe and I would have a successful ending. After trying and trying and not really getting anywhere, I realized that Step #1 in my plan "Take care of yourself" was not exactly what I needed.  I was taking care of the outside, my hair, nails, teeth..ect.. when what I needed and am now doing, is taking care of the inside.  Mentally and physically. 
After Alyssa's birth I noticed almost immediately that I was struggling the postpartum depression.  I had it after Wilamina but was able to cope with the help of medication.  This time around due to changes beyond my control with insurance, medication is not an option.  I am having to take matters into my own hands. At first I was mad about it, thinking how am I going to do this without taking my medicine?  Just the anxiety of not being able to get it was making me more depressed.  Then, after being angry, I accepted it, and started looking into more natural ways of coping.
I joined a support group for depression and anxiety but they weren't much fun. Ha! My doctor has told me from the beginning that I need to exercise. When I came home from the hospital after delivering Alyssa I was 170lbs.  I dropped another 10-12lbs possibly from breast feeding but I stopped breast feeding after 6weeks and my weight has held steady at 158 lbs.  I am 5'4".   I was already taking a mutli-vitamin but decided to add a supplement of vitamin B.    It's hard to exercise when you don't even feel like getting out of bed.  My only motivation for getting out of bed, apart from the girls was needing to use the bathroom and food, ...and the fact that husband would be upset if he came home everyday and the house was a wreck.   So knowing that I had no other choice I began to workout.  I feel like this is my missing "peace".  The piece I need for the puzzle of putting myself together and the peace that I need to be ok with myself, forgive myself and be patient with myself.  I finally feel like things are starting to fall into place.

 

Begin again

So it has been a few months since my last blog. I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl Alyssa, on March 15. Improvement on myself has fallen to the way side as all my focus has been on her and Wilamina. Even though focusing on the girls feels like the natural thing to do, I don't feel happy or content. I feel restless, anxious.  I don't feel like myself. I am thinking, who am I now? I was the hard, dependable worker, always showing up to work on time and ready to go. I was Mina's momma. I loved having my nails done and my legs always shaved. Now I can barley get through washing my hair before Alyssa is crying or Mina needs help finding something that just can't wait!  So with all that, I am back to square one.  Beginning again,  on my quest to be the best. Beginning again with improving myself first! Starting tomorrow, I WILL shave my legs. ☆

Day #1: Take care of yourself

Today was the first day of the first step in becoming a better wife, "Taking care of yourself". By this I mean keeping up my looks and hygiene. Just because I am a mother, 38 weeks pregnant and am attempting to work up until delivery does not give the excuse to let myself go. I want to keep myself attractive for my husband.  This has proven to be more difficult then I had planned.  It could be that because I am 2 weeks away from giving birth to our 2nd daughter or that our 6 year old was up at 7:00 a.m. (for me, that is too early. I love my sleep).  Either way the day begins, making breakfast, cleaning up after breakfast, working on a school project, laundry...one thing leads to another and before I realize it, it is noon.  I still haven't showered or even brushed my hair! 
Noon means lunch.  We were all starving and beginning to go a little crazy from being in the house all week/weekend due to the weather.  We decided to go out to lunch and to the park.  Although we had great family time and enjoyed the beautiful day, I still have not done anything to improve myself.  Now back home and the 6 year old is in the bath as I should be and will be.  I suppose "Better late then never" and "Never give up" will be my motto's for today. 
Tomorrow is an another opportunity. 

It all starts at home

So, In the last day or so I have had time to think about where to be begin.  It is hard not to feel guilty for choosing family over friends or vice versa. Hopefully in the end everyone in my life will feel equally important in their own ways.  So even though I was a daughter and sister first, I have decided to focus on my home,  On being the best mother and wife, correction,  wife and mother that I can be.  As a mother I feel like we instinctively feel that our children are our priority.  It is hard not to cater to them first and let our husbands fend for themselves.  I corrected the order because in my research, whether right or wrong, it seems right to me that I should make my husband top priority.  By making my husband's happiness priority this in turn will make a happy marriage, will set the tone for our household and trickle down to our children.  I have selected 10 steps out of the many that I came across, as the ones I feel are most important for me to work on.

10 Steps for becoming a better wife

1. Take care of yourself
2. Show appreciation
3. Take charge of the romance
4. Accept your husband for the way he is (even if little things drive you crazy)
5. Be straight forward, Say what you mean.
6. Take in interest in what is important to him
7. Make him laugh or at least try :-/
8. Stay positive, no matter what (be his cheerleader
9. Honor his requests, no questions asked
10. Keep the house (and car) clean

For the next 30 days my posts will be about the efforts I have made to be a better wife.
Check back each day for an update as to how well this is working for me!  and wish me luck  ;)

Quest to be Best: It is only the beginning

So, this is my first attempt at blogging.  I am a daughter, sister, mother, wife and friend.  I have decided at the age of 35 to begin a quest to be best.  I want to be the best at each of the roles I have been given in life. I don't know how long it will take me but I refuse to give up.  In my opinion,  I have been through a lot in my adult life and many times wondered if I was making the right decisions.  I want all aspects of my life to be as perfect as they can be, not just for myself but for the benefit of my family and friends.  I am breaking everything down and having been inspired by Benjamin Franklin's Thirteen Virtues, I will attempt to work on one area each week and post about my progress. 
I hope to inspire and help other women become the best that they can be as well. Now the first issue is where to begin now that I have begun...